Home > Books > Hi, my name is Lumpy Hamstertush

Hi, my name is Lumpy Hamstertush

My family loves books!  My wife and I read a lot, and we’ve raised our children to enjoy reading, too.  Almost since birth, we have read to them nightly.  So far in school they read above their respective grade levels, and will pick up books and read them for fun.  It really is a great feeling as a parent that my kids enjoy reading as much as I do.

Recently, we picked up a book titled Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants by Dav Pilkey.  It was a used book and the binding was starting to come apart.  At first, I wasn’t sure if I wanted my children to read this kind of material, but I must say that I was pleasantly surprised.  As we started reading it I actually found myself laughing at the story more than the kids.  I’m not talking about a mild chuckle either.  I mean a hardy, make-you-feel-good, full-body laugh.

In this fun story, Professor Pippy P. Poopypants comes to the United States from New Swissland, a small country just southeast of Greenland, and gets ridiculed because of his silly name.  What this country didn’t understand was that in New Swissland it was commonplace, and everyone had funny names.  The constant ridicule pushed Professor Poopypants over the edge, and he decided to take over the U.S. and force everyone to change their names using his 3-chart method below.

FIRST CHART: Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name.

A = Stinky J = Poopsie S = Snotty
B = Lumpy K = Flunky T = Falafel
C = Buttercup L = Booger U = Dorky
D = Gidget M = Pinky V = Squeezit
E = Crusty N = Zippy W = Oprah
F = Greasy O = Goober X = Skipper
G = Fluffy P = Doofus Y = Dinky
H = Cheeseball Q = Slimy Z = Zsa-Zsa
I = Chim-Chim R = Loopy

SECOND CHART: Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name.

A = Diaper J = Monkey S = Pizza
B = Toilet K = Potty T = Gerbil
C = Giggle L = Liver U = Chicken
D = Bubble M = Banana V = Pickle
E = Girdle N = Rhino W = Chuckle
F = Barf O = Burger X = Tofu
G = Lizard P = Hamster Y = Gorilla
H = Waffle Q = Toad Z = Stinker
I = Cootie R = Gizzard

THIRD CHART: Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name.

A = Head J = Honker S = Fanny
B = Mouth K = Butt T = Sniffer
C = Face L = Brain U = Sprinkles
D = Nose M = Tushie V = Kisser
E = Tush N = Chunks W = Squirt
F = Breath O = Hiney X = Humperdinck
G = Pants P = Biscuits Y = Brains
H = Shorts Q = Toes Z = Juice
I = Lips R = Buns

This is where the mayhem begins!  My family had so much fun with our new silly names.  I did myself first (by the way, it’s “Lumpy Hamstertush”), and then the kids were all saying, “What’s mine, Dad?”  By the time we were done we had a bunch of Hamstertushes: Stinky, Pinky, Zippy, and Gidget.  We laughed for a good long while about our new names.

But here’s the REALLY funny part…

One night as I’m reading Captain Underpants again to the kids, my boss calls me about some work stuff.  She apologized for cutting into family time.  I told her that I was reading to the kids before bedtime.  Showing genuine interest, she asked what we were reading.  I was a bit reluctant to tell her the title, much less the story line of the book.  Throwing caution to the wind I told her anyway.  I was flabbergasted when she actually asked for more detail about the book.  I was telling her about the silly name charts and how much we had been laughing about our names.

She said, “So what would my name be?”  I thought to myself, Do I really want to do that?  I mean, this is my boss.  This might bode well for my career.

“Snotty Bubblenose,” I told her, then I cringed waiting for the backlash.  All I heard on the other end of the phone was her laughing.  I was shocked!  After the laughter subsided a bit, she asked me what her husband’s new name would be.  Loopy Bubblenose.  More laughing.  “How about [her daughter’s] new name?”  Falafel Toiletbiscuits.  (Yes, her daughter is married, hence the different last name.)  By this time she was near tears because she was laughing so hard.

Days later at the office, this came up again in conversation.  As we retold the story to some of our colleagues, they wanted to know more about this book and the silly names.  I finally told them that I would just have to bring the book in so we could change the names of all the employees.

What’s your new silly name?  Post a comment below and share yours so we can all have a good laugh!

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